Paraneoplastic Syndrome

Original Post Date February 2007

As my last semester here is whizzing by, I'm finding myself caught in a weird sink or swim situation where I'm realizing that this is my last chance to either accept or completely reject this world I've been visiting for the past four years or so. While it's always been a love-hate relationship, I'm starting to realize that this "vacation" of sorts can no longer be seen as such and I'm wondering to what extent I want to keep myself in this kind of world, and more specifically how reasonable it is to expect to do so.
I know it's really lame and it's the absolutely worst time to be thinking about these things, but it's becoming more and more important to me that I figure out in a more profound way the kinds of people I should be hanging out with, and more importantly that kind of significant other I want to be seeking. Even as I type this I realize that I don't even believe in that train of thinking, even more so that it wouldn't be possible to do so anyway.
Still, what encourages me more and more is when I find glimpses of these oppositions in either world. When I see people that are able to successfully "cross over" in a manner I can only hope to aspire to. Whether it's talking about Objectivism with Darryl at the bar or a Party member mentioning punk rock or Lovecraft, it comforts me to see that this ideal I've been fighting with for so many years may indeed actually be possible.